Friday, 18 January 2013



 The cottage that has basically been promised to me
and I didn't even have to sleep with the guy
who owns it! In fact he pretty much insisted 
that I not bother even trying. 

Some friends and I spent the weekend at one of my favourite places: a lakefront cottage tucked away in a secret nook in a Southwestern Ontario city. I can't tell you where it is because one day it will be mine and I don't want you people dropping in on me unannounced. I almost never wear clothing  and I doubt your little hearts could take the shock. 

Anyway, this cottage is currently owned by a charming, hospitable young friend who sometimes drinks a helluva lot of vodka, which may explain why he basically promised me this place someday. He did. I have witnesses. Unfortunately one of them is a Pekingese and the other one is a Rottweiler and neither of them like me very much, but still. If I have to, I will subpoena them. ("May I remind you that you are under OATH, you hairy little bastards!")

So, this place on the lake. I first saw it four years ago and fell in love with it. I've been back a few times and each time I fall a little harder. This last time I made such a drunken fuss about how much I love it that my friend told me I could have it someday if I would just  stop knocking back his vodka like there was no tomorrow.

"We're in the country, woman; if this runs out there's nothing left but the moonshine that hillbilly down the lane makes."
"Well that is fantastic because I LOVE MOONSHINE!" I screeched, sloshing a bit of vodka as I did so. (The Pekingese was on it in a flash and we didn't hear a peep out of him for the rest of the weekend.)

That was three days ago and now dude is pretending he can't remember a word of that conversation in which he promised me, I repeat, PROMISED ME his cottage. But I have a very good memory. And I also have the Pekingese. 
Dude probably never even missed the little bugger, but if he is sober enough to be reading this right now . . . well say hello to your little friend!

Pekingese's note: Vast swaths of this bitch's post are lies. But the part about him promising her that cottage? TRUE! (Now will you please let me go home?)