Well here's a "scandal" I can't really get worked up about. Like, at all. For those of you who missed this world-altering event . . . well first of all, please sit down, I don't want any of you tumbling over on my watch . . . Beyonce apparently LIP-SYNCED the national anthem at Barack Obama's inauguration. EEEEEEEEP! I know, right? "Scandal" is exactly the word that comes to mind here! This is right up there with Monica Lewinsky fellating a married president in the Oval Office! This is right up there with (for the Canadians in the house) Shawinigate. (You know. That thing? That scandalous conflict-of-interest lobbying thing when Jean Chrétien ... oh, forget it, even our scandals are boring.)
So Beyonce lip-synced the national anthem because it was colder than a witch's tit and she didn't want to leave anything to chance and news outlets are going berserk but anyone who knows anything about live performances is yawning and saying, "Really? We're getting upset about this?"
In fact the only person who is upset about this is cellist Yo-Yo Ma, who mimed his performance at Obama's inauguration in 2008 and nobody cared. Our Believable Lies correspondent tells me Yo-Yo called U.S.A. Today to ask why that never made headlines and was told, "Because you're not bootylicious."
EDITOR'S NOTE: Well I'm confused. Was she lip-syncing over Barbra Streisand's voice?
My note: No.
Editor's note: Over Ella Fitzgerald's voice?
My note: No.
Editor's note: Over Barney the Dinosaur's voice?
My note: No! She was lip-syncing over her own voice.
Editor's note: Wow. Stupidest scandal ever.