|COSMO MARCH 2013|
Miley Cyrus's Cosmo cover is so hot you could fry two little eggs on it!
Welcome to the very bowels of January. The bitter, wizened sphincter of winter, when people are freaked out because Christmas is way over and spring is way off and all that's left are the bills and the boredom and the relentless grey grey GREY of it all. It can make a man go barking mad. Speaking of barking mad, I thought it might cheer you up to hear how the craziest of the Hollywood crazies are handling the January blahs. (Hint: Not well.) The upside here is that it will make whatever you are going through seem like a whipped cream rub-down with a velvet loofah.
To begin, we have:
THIS PROVES IT, HERMAPHRODYTE HILLBILLIES DO HAVE BOSOMS!
Miley Cyrus wasn't getting enough attention with her weird haircuts and piercings and strip-club visits, so she decided to amp it up by proffering mid-boob for her Cosmo cover shoot. In this issue, Miley reveals not only her still-developing breasts but also her potty mouth, inserting the "f" word into every blessed sentence whether it belongs there or not. (Click here if you would like to be irritated beyond belief.)
Miley, dear, what some people do is, they rely on their talent to get attention. I know. I know. It's boring and it takes so much more work. But just give it a shot, will you? Otherwise you may one day be remembered only as The Mullet-Wearer's Daughter. Who swore a lot...
Moving right on to:
THE STUFF THROW-UP IS MADE OF
Hulk Hogan's grasp on sanity is tenuous at the best of times. When the meds wear off, it's straight-on roast cuckoo with lashings of inappropriate horndog. His latest "eeew" moment: tweeting a photo (left) of his daughter Brooke's "sexy legs" and urging everyone to have a look. ("Whoa! Eh? Looka that, eh? Whoa-ho-ho!")
What next, rubbing his own daughter's bare butt down with suntan oil?
Oh, wait. He actually did that. Click here for the pic in which Hulk goes for the Father of the Year award.
And in closing, I give you:
SHAKE MY HAND OR I'LL KICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!
Take Chris Brown. Please! (Ba-dum-boom.) This young waste of space is stepping up his bid to make everyone forget he has talent by schtupping anything with a vagina and also by flying into fist-flailing rages over the stupidest shit imaginable.
I refer to his recent "beef" with singer Frank Ocean. Chris and Frank crossed paths in a recording studio parking lot yesterday and Chris held out his hand. But instead of shaking it, kissing it, or better yet, falling to his knees and crying, "My liege, I am not worthy, but only say the word and I shall be healed!" Frank merely snickered.
An explosive fight broke out and the police were called. Chris reportedly fled the scene, but TMZ says a witness alleges Chris swung first. Which I would have guessed anyway.