Wednesday, 23 January 2013

PERFECT PARENTING TIPS FROM SAINT GWYNETH

WHAT'S THAT I HEAR
Is that one of God's own angels calling my name? 
Don't fret, Fatima, I am coming back! As soon as 
I sign a couple of cookbooks and harvest 
some wholesome free-range seaweed! 
Photo/CreStock





In her ongoing mission to exalt the planet and the miserable hoi polloi who inhabit it, Saint Gwyneth of the Grain-Fed Martyrs is taking a break from knitting hairshirts to focus on helping the poor. And by poor, I mean everybody who isn't her.

Recently, if you'll remember, Saint Gwyneth allowed a glimpse into her immortal soul by busting the pernicious myth that she is perfect. She admitted to U.S.A. Today in no uncertain terms that she has flaws, the biggest one being that she is perfect. "One of my most negative qualities is the perfectionism that I have, and I think that I unconsciously project that." (Correct, Saint Gwyneth. In fact, you not only project it, you fucking RADIATE it.)

This week, it's parenting tips.
And I don't know about you, but I can't wait to hear what tips a mom who named her kids Apple and Moses and who only lets her kids watch television in Spanish instead of their native English has to share with us. (Please do not ask me why she only lets her kids watch television in Spanish. I have no idea, but I'm sure it has something to do with perfection.)

And although you will obviously never be as perfect as Saint Gwyn, she nevertheless gets a huge kick out of watching you try. So humour her, won't you? Here, from morning flax to group baths, are some tips on how you too can strive for but never achieve the level of parental perfection Saint Gwyneth achieves without even trying. 
Wait, don't go yet . . . you didn't get your free hairshirt!