Friday, 25 January 2013


She Whose Ass  
You Are Not Worthy to Kiss
Things Adele is better at than Shakira: Singing.

Things Shakira is better at than Adele: Everything else.
Things Adele thinks she is better at than everybody: Sorry. Not enough room here to answer that.

I am not a big fan of Adele. I used to be, but then I realized she's such a massive fan of herself that she doesn't need anyone else doing the job. Her latest snotty affectation is refusing to divulge her four-month-old son's name. "I am not ready to share that information with you," she huffs. Tacit implication: None of your goddam business, shitheads. Just buy my records and respect my privacy. And also my supremacy.
There is a fine line between diva and bitch, Adele. And you are sitting on it.

At the polar opposite end of the attitude scale we have ... Shakira. A sunny, humble little confection who, it's true, is not much of a singer but nobody cares about that once she starts shaking her Colombian hips anyway. Unlike Adele, who acts like she can barely tolerate our stinky existence, Shakira seems to like us. Or maybe it's just that Adele is such a shrew by comparison that I want to perform maundy on Shakira simply because she smiles and tells us her baby's name. (Milan. Three days old. I love him already, because his mom is so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o nice!)

EDITOR'S NOTE: After four months of exhaustive and, frankly, weird head games with the press, Adele finally leaked the chosen one's name yesterday by wearing a chain with the name Jesus Christ of Nazarene on it. (Kidding. It says "Angelo." Which was totally worth waiting for, wasn't it?)