TAYLOR'S RELATIONSHIPS ONLY GO IN ONE DIRECTION

HELLO, I'M TAYLOR SWIFT. I LOOK AS 
DAINTY AS THE LACE I'M WEARING
 But make no mistake, I will cut your heart out 
with a butter knife and eat it raw. And then I'll 
write a song about it...
Photo/CreStock
 

Little Harry Styles of the band One Erection has learned the first big-boy lesson of his young life: Taylor Swift is a man-eater. A cunning, angelic-looking, increasingly accomplished man-eater.

Young Harry, 18, started dating Taylor, 23, two months ago and fell hard. He was so smitten it did not occur to him that being Notch No. 3,725 on her belt did not bode well for the longevity of their love affair. He was so smitten it did not occur to him that he would wind up being the brunt of a breakup song full of words that rhyme with Styles. (Smiles, piles, all the while, a pedophile ... hey, I should send her this!)

Anyway, it quickly became "serious" and just days ago they were seen cooing and canoodling on the British Virgin Islands, even though Harry's people must have warned him that at this deadly phase of the relationship he was doing so at his own peril. ("Harry, man, it's been six weeks. She's going to kill you and eat you on that island! It's her pattern!") 

So one night, they were seen having a romantic dinner and the next day, they had a big fight and a solemn Taylor was seen leaving the island by boat, alone. And I will quote a British newspaper's summation of the event because I love the way they phrase things, imparting much more class and grownuppityness than this incident warrants.

"They were on holidays and had an almighty row," a source for the UK's Daily Mail says. "Harry is terribly upset and feels a little foolish now that it's fallen apart so quickly."
To be fair, I'm sure Taylor is "terribly upset" too. And will be for hours.