Wednesday, 2 January 2013

YOU'RE SO STUPID YOU CAN'T EVEN PEEL A BANANA!

AND ALL THIS TIME ... ALL THIS TIME! 
I was trying to open a banana with a meat cleaver.
It's kind of embarrassing...  

We humans, we're such cute, naive little eejits. We think we're all kinds of evolved, but really, we don't know squat. 
We've done pretty well with the big stuff, such as nuclear physics and open-heart surgery, but it's the little things that betray us. I mean, we can't even boil an egg without splintering the shell to smithereens. We can't even eat a PB&J sandwich without splattering ourselves with so much jelly we look like we just butchered a cow with our bare sticky hands. 

For years, these shortcomings have troubled me. ("How am I EVER going to win that Nobel Prize for Intelligence/Gobsmacking Beauty if I can't even friggin peel an egg?" I would ask myself over and over again whilst curling my long fake lashes with an eyelash curler.)

And then the other day, while researching "atom splitting, how to" on the Internet, I stumbled across You're Doing It Wrong, a website loaded with tips on how to properly do 22 simple things most monkeys can do better than we can. Check it out if you want to learn such lifesaving skills as the right way to eat TicTacs or crush a beer can. This stuff matters. Don't ever think it doesn't.

Editor's note: My favourite is No. 17, The Right Way to Peel a Banana, as explained in a video by a guy who sounds like he lives on two things: bananas and marijuana. Here's the link to the 22 Things website. Go nuts.