AND NOW I'VE DECIDED I, TOO, PREFER UNDERBOOB

"THERE WAS A MEMO? I DID NOT GET THAT MEMO"

Katy Perry paves her passageway to hell

by flaunting the Grammy ban on exposed breasts

and "under-curvature of the breasts."
Photo/CreStock

The Grammys 2013, brought to you by the Taliban, are over and I hope you were watching because there were some valuable lessons and interesting moments contained therein. I'll keep this short because I'm nursing a painful twitter-finger injury. (Remember the old days when you could just WRITE stuff, and not have to tweet, instagram, facebook, BBM, IM and WTF as well? I miss those old days.) Ready? Listen and learn:

1) The underboob fatwah was completely ignored by Rihanna and Katy Perry and politely observed by Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez. Rihanna and Katy looked fantastic. Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez looked like crap. Ladies, you need to go out and get you an underboob dress.

2) And speaking of looking like crap, Adele got sat on by no less than four people who confused her for a chesterfield every time she stopped moving. Absolutely true. 

3) Prince, the artist formerly known as weird, is still weird. And also appears to have had work done. 

4) I don't know where the hell John Mayer got that ugly purple velvet smoking jacket, but I am missing an ugly purple velvet sofa cushion. And now I don't even want it back.

5) Drake's barber was unavailable so he let his friend's cousin, a sheep shearer by trade, have a go at him.

6) What the . . . ? Did no one else see that homeless dude impersonating Johnny Depp? Security!

7) And lastly, my favourite Grammy moment: When Jennifer Lopez's oldest child boyfriend Casper Smart was asked on the red carpet who his first love was. COMPLETE PANIC. Then he was asked, well how do you feel about your current love? COMPLETE PANIC plus STUTTERING. The man was scared shitless. (You just know he's going to get a time-out when he gets home.) Casper, remember this important tip for next time someone asks you a really tough question: The answer to everything is "J LO."