Tuesday, 5 March 2013


And I'm not judging because we've all worn
that crown at one time or another. I myself have  
occasionally worn it, although this is not the time
or place to talk about the many douchebags
who never had any money or who flirted
with other women right in front of my face.

I had an upsetting experience recently that left me in a position every woman can relate to: wanting to tell a friend her boyfriend is a douche. It’s a prickly situation, and yet so incredibly common there really ought to be a guidebook on how to handle it.
And it turns out there is.

Because while randomly trolling the Internet for hot deals on toilet paper (is it just me or has the price of EVERYTHING gone berserk lately?), I stumbled across a website devoted to how to tell your friend her boyfriend is an asshole. That’s right: an entire website. Which is necessary because A LOT OF NICE WOMEN DATE ASSHOLES, or maybe it just seems that way, in the same way mothers always think their son's girlfriend is a whore.
Anyway, this website goes to a lot of trouble detailing the best way to tell your friend her boyfriend is a douche, complete with profiles of the various types of douche, tips on how to handle that particular type of douche, how to deal with the aftermath, and so on.

And here's the sad thing about it: All that work was for nothing.
Because in my experience (having been on both the giving and the receiving end of the "your boyfriend is a douche" conversation), telling your friend the hurtful truth does exactly ZERO good. None. Nada. Zip. Zero. Stingy with dineiros. (Sorry. Just lapsed into Jay-Z lyrics there, that was random.) 

Because here’s what usually happens:
If he’s really a douche and she isn't ready to see it, she will get mad at YOU for saying so. 
If he’s really a douche and she's waffling, she’ll tell him you said so. And then they’ll both be mad at you.
If he’s really a douche and she is ready to see it, she will get mad at you for adding to her humiliation. 

No matter which option you choose, you wind up looking like the douche. 
So, here's my advice on how to tell your friend her boyfriend is a douche: Don't.
If he's really a douche she will usually see it for herself eventually. And eventually always comes faster when well-meaning friends just get out of the way.

Editor’s note: As much as this entire piece sounds like it was directed at Rihanna, I can personally attest to the fact that it was not. Which is good because Rihanna just got a brand new butt tattoo (of the Tibetan word for “lover,” see it right here ) that one can only assume was meant as an endorsement of Chris Brown’s excellence in every regard.
My note: Wouldn’t it be funny if her Tibetan tattooist was a prankster and it really says “MY BOYFRIEND IS A DOUCHE”?