Friday, 15 February 2013

KATE UPTON BARES HER SOUL AND OTHER PARTS

Oh you think you're having a bad day at work, do you? You think your job is tough? Well suck it up, you pathetic, self-absorbed whinge bag! Nobody has it as tough as swimsuit model Kate Upton. 

This twice-blessed young beauty recently completed a photoshoot in the Antarctic for Sports Illustrated, and hearing her story makes me wish I knew how to play the violin. Because I would be playing that sucker the WHOLE TIME you are reading this blog!

I mean, just listen to her plaintive words (I took the liberty of removing all the "ums" and "likes," or we'd be here till Thanksgiving):
"I'm from Florida so it was freezing cold... My body was shutting down. I didn't think I could do it, but I didn't want to let my team down... They gave me a coat and I thought that was a miracle... And I saw these cute little penguins walking around and I thought, "If those little fuckers can slide around nekkid well so can I!" 
(Wait. What? She didn't say that last part! Cuz they actually had more clothing on than she did and were pissing themselves laughing at the stupid human with the massive lifejackets posing ON METAL POLES in nothing but a bikini.

Kate: Brrrrr! Why did you guys have to pick such a cold place? 
Photographers: Heheheh, yes we can see that you're cold. It's awful, isn't it?
Kate: Well can I get a blanket or something? My breasts are getting frostbite!
Photographers *leering*: They are? Here, let me see ... Darn! Where is that blanket?

Yes, Kate Upton, forced against her will to suffer subhuman conditions, baring her bosoms with nothing but thousands of dollars, dozens of heaters and a small army of leering, blanket-bearing assistants to see her through it. Is there a Nobel Prize for selfless nudity? Because there should be. By God, there should be!

Editor's note: I don't quite like the tone of this post. It sounds like you're mocking this poor waif. This poor, stunning waif. This poor, stunning, practically naked *wheeze, gasp* . . . well here, just click on this link to the video of the shoot and see for yourself.