|Mmmm, my future husba ... ARGH! WTF is wrong with me?|
Whoa. My whole world view has just been knocked sideways. It doesn't even make sense anymore. It's like I got bitten by a tiger. A tiger named Charlie Sheen. And now I've got tiger blood in my veins, I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more tiger. I gotta have more tiger! Because I just watched an interview with my favourite creeper and I somehow came out of it thinking, "That Charlie Sheen, I kinda like him!"
This is especially terrifying given my disastrous dating history. Seriously, it's bad. The only thing that has saved me from fleeing the country and living in a hut in remotest Borneo is the fact that I have STOPPED dating because I don't trust myself to choose a normal partner anymore.
And now look! I am finding Charlie friggin' Sheen attractive! This is clearly a relapse. Next thing you know I will be finding some flirty homeless dude irresistible. Someone, please, wrap me in duct tape and ship me to the veterinarian to be spayed. Right now!
So what happened was The Sheen was on Jay Leno the other night, looking eerily scrubbed and pink and human, and he was all kinds of amusing. And I started out thinking "Idiot," and then moved on to "Hmm" and then to "Hahaha! That was funny!"
Where he really won me over was when he bashed the bejeebers out of my new favourite creeper, Lance Armstrong. And I don't know what Lance did to piss Charlie off, but you've gotta know that when even Charlie Sheen thinks you're a "douche," you might actually be a douche.
Click here to watch a clip of the video, in which Charlie does everything but challenge the one-testicled doper to a duel. And then tell me I'm not the only one who thinks this is funny. Right? You thought it was funny too, right? Oh please say, "Right." Even if you're lying.
Editor's note: "Right."
My note: Fer feck's sake. Not you! You're as bad as The Sheen!
Editor's note: Well then allow me to book you a flight to Borneo.