Thursday, 28 February 2013

PLEASE JOIN ME IN DESPISING ANNE HATHAWAY

I was really feeling bummed out this morning. Because it’s February and it’s cold and slushy and dreary and I have to cut this sentence short or I’m going to jump out of a window. (Right after I finish my coffee with Bailey’s. Just because I’m depressed doesn’t mean I have to waste the best liquor ever invented.) So. I started reviewing the day’s celebrity news and I see there’s this thing going on, there's a facebook page, there's a whole Why Do We Hate Anne Hathaway movement that’s enjoying a surge of popularity in the wake of her nipply Oscars appearance. 

What? Why, I suddenly feel so much better! I’ve been hating Anne Hathaway for some time now and I was sure it was just me. I want in on this! I have the chops, I have the bile necessary to qualify me for a superior position in this movement. I’m not usually one to brag (except when it comes to my hair) but by God, nobody is better at wanting to kick this woman right in the cervix than I am. Seriously, when she won the Oscar for best supporting actress and burbled and nippled her way through her acceptance speech I had to physically restrain myself from crapping my pants. 

Anyway, the subject of her hatefulness has been covered off by everyone from Gawker to Joan Rivers, so there’s no reason for me to weigh in … except that I WANT to. So here, in point form, is my list of reasons why people can’t abide Anne Hathaway. 

  • She's boring.
  • She has jazz hands.
  • She's a try-hard: she shaved her head for Les Mis! She ate nothing but oatmeal paste for weeks! She is so amazing! Just ask her!
  • She actually said "It came true!" when she won her Best Supporting Actress award. In a way that implies we were all in on this secret prayer to God: Please let Anne Hathaway win! 
  • Does there have to be a reason?