Friday, 1 February 2013

TO MY FRIENDS VACATIONING IN JAMAICA: YOU SUCK!

MORNING WHITEOUT IN BRAMPTON 
I don't know about you, but when I encounter sudden and unexpectedly dangerous 
driving conditions, what I do is I look away from the road for a moment, rummage around 
the passenger seat for my camera ... "Oh, look! A mint!"  ... and take a photo. 


What. The Hell. Is going on here? Yesterday it was so warm people were jogging in booty shorts. This morning I woke up to find the temperature had plummeted. I went to the gas station, went inside to grab a coffee, came outside and WHOOSH. Blizzard. Not even kidding. A car and a minivan did a 360 right in front of me on the flash-frozen road, while a pedestrian went arse-over-teakettle on the sidewalk. My mom, who lives 15 minutes away, emailed that there'd been a brownout. No computer, no television, no lights, no fridge or stove. When the power came back on briefly, she immediately dashed to the kitchen and boiled water for tea in case it went out again. Because once you've got a pot of tea, the entire western hemisphere can slide off the edge of the planet and you'll still be okay. 

The experts say this is global warming. Which is a polite way of saying what it really is: Mother Nature being a mad, menopausal bitch. This is hormones, baby. Trust me, I am a woman; I know these things. Tomorrow, you can expect hail the size of ostrich eggs followed by a heat wave and a total lunar eclipse. Hormones. I'm tellin' ya.