Monday, 4 February 2013

WIPE THE MANURE OFF YER BOOTS, THE JUNOS IS COMIN!

IS THAT AN AWARD IN YER PANTS?
Or are you just THAT HAPPY
 to be in Saskatcheywan?
Photo/CreStock


After weeks of bladder-wrenching secrecy, the big news has been revealed: the host of the Juno Awards will be ... Michael Buble! Wow! That's so ... hold on, I'm seeing a lot of puzzled looks out there. 

For our non-Canadian readers, the Junos are Canada's music awards show. It used to be small and hokey but then we got some bona fide superstars like Justin Bieber, Drake and Shania and it really took off. I mean, none of them ever actually attend the show because they're so big they're usually in the States smoking weed and pullling their pants down for tmz videos, but still. They make a pre-recorded video appearance and it's super exciting.

Our American readers might have seen the creepy Super Bowl ad that announced Buble's hosting duties, showing him in bed with Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne. (Americans: Who's that guy on the left? I dunno. Why is he in bed with his daughter? I dunno. What's a Joono? I dunno. Stop yakking and pass the chicken wings, will ya?) 

So how Canadian are the Junos? Well heck, they're being held in dang ol' VEEGINA, SASKATCHEYWAN! And sponsored by the POTASH CORPORATION! And there'll be a moose roast and a game of pin the beaver tail on Justin Trudeau, and Ann Murray is going to clop onstage in her best high-heeled clogs and sing everyone to sleep at the very end. (Honk if you loves you some Prairie Jesus and figgered out that last bit thur was a dang ol' JOKE!)

Editor's note: Because we haven't rammed the pitchfork far enough up Saskatchewan's arse yet, here's a link to the official Juno Awards website. Note how they invite you to "tour the provincial legislature and the historic tunnels of Moose Jaw while you're here!" Jesus Ehch Christ.