Tuesday, 19 March 2013

BRAD PITT WEARS SPANX. LIFE NO LONGER HAS PURPOSE

"Hang on, I gotta get a picture of this. Angie's monkeys have been summoned 
to castrate Whorrified's Editor!"
 Photo: Paul Smith/Featureflash

Today in news that proves Angelina Jolie is the devil, we have this sad, sad item as reported in the U.K. Telegraph: Brad Pitt is getting fat and wears a girdle.
How does this prove Angelina is a demon, you ask? Well obviously I can't answer that or she'll send her winged monkeys after me, but I can hand the floor over to my editor, because he's virtually useless to me anyway so if she comes after him, oh well. 
Oh! Here he is now! Good morning, Ed, I was just explaining that you have something you'd like to say.

Editor: I do?
Me: Yes. You remember. We talked about it. *cups hand around mouth, whispers something about "pantywaist" *

Editor: Ah yes. Brad Pitt. He's a eunuch.  
Me: *nodding* Go on.

Editor: Apparently Angelina insisted on it. "We don't BOTH need balls," she told him, right before the winged monkeys swooped down and hacked them off. 
Me: So that's why he's getting soft and wears a girdle.

Editor: No, he wears Spanx.  
Me: Right. A girdle. So it's official. Brad Pitt is no longer the sexiest man alive.

Editor: Not even close. 
Me: Well we need a replacement, stat. There is so much ugly in the world, so many eyes that need candy. I'd like to nominate Ryan Gosling.

Editor: He's not bad, but I prefer Gael Garcia Bernal. He's got that Latin lover thing going on.
Me: I think we're done here. 

Editor: Although I should point out that those Spanx things? They really work.
Me: Please don't tell me you . . .

Editor: Oh yeah. I'm wearing them right now.   

... And from our "Thanks but you're not helping" files, we have this admirable but fatally misguided attempt to prop up Brad's droopy image, courtesy of the Vancouver Sun. They cobbled together an entire photo gallery of other stars photographed wearing "shapewear." Which is great. Except that we already knew that WOMEN wear girdles.

Or you could just click on this link to Brad Pitt's best looks. And he's not wearing Spanx in any of them.