CHARLIE WANTS TO MAKE AN HONEST GODDESS OF LILO

"I LOVE CHARLIE SHEEN SO MUCH!"
 I could just kiss him! But not sleep with him.
 Because I've never slept with him.
At least not that I can recall ... 
Photo/CreStock

And from our "What An Awesome Idea, Why Didn't I Think of That?" files, we have Charlie Sheen offering to save and mentor wee Lindsay Lohan. 

Yes, according to TMZ, from whom I scoop so much news I would actually consider paying them royalty fees except that I like to think I make their scoops better, Charlie says he's worried about the troubled young snortlet. He says he developed a "kinship" with Lindsay over many long nights of pipe-sharing  Scary Movie 5 and says she "clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. (Ominous?!?) If she listens, she'll win. If she doesn't, that's on her."

He also notes, with suspicious a propos of nothing-ness, that he has never slept with her and in fact "never laid a finger on her that wasn't on film." Which instantly makes me think, "Eew, he filmed it?"

Editor's note: Signs you've hit rock bottom: Charlie Sheen offers to mentor you. 
My note: Why are you being so mean? That's my job.