Thursday, 14 March 2013

ELIN NORDEGREN TAKES GOLD DIGGING TO NEXT LEVEL

"I WONDER WHAT TIGER 
IS DOING THESE DAYS..."
(What Elin Nordegren 
says to nobody, ever.)


Remember when we all felt sorry for Elin Nordegren, who proved that even being absurdly beautiful was no guarantee of happiness because she had her heart publicly shredded and shat on by her whore-sband Tiger Woods and his harem of IHOP waitresses, Hooters girls, strippers and basically any cheap hussy who wasn’t his lawfully wedded wife? 

It almost made us feel bad that we had once envied her    because envy is, after all, a sin. And so is adultery, so really, the poor woman was just swimming in a bubbling stew of other people’s sins. 

Well guess what. It is now safe to resume envying her again. And I don't think God will even be upset with you this time, because not only did Elin get a $100 million divorce settlement from Cheetah Tiger, but she is now closing in on untold billions more by aligning her celestial Nordic beauty with her billionaire neighbour Chris Cline’s lust. And although he may be a nice enough fellow, I personally think he reeks of entitlement, so it's only a matter of time before he marries her and then cheats on her and she gets so much money she will be able to buy a diamond-crusted platinum vagina and just send THAT out on dates. Then she won’t have to leave the comfort of the island of Bora Bora, which she will now OWN, ever again. 

Editor's note: I ... diamond-crusted platinum vagina? They make those?
My note: Er, no. No they don't. In fact, please forget I said that. (Now he's going to want one for Christmas.)