Thursday, 21 March 2013

HOW TO BE WHORRIFIC: BEAUTY TIPS #17 & 18

OH WHATEVER, ADRIANA LIMA  
I happen to know that anyone could look as good 
as you if they rubbed banana peels all over their face 
. . . and then had a head transplant.
Photo/CreStock 

 
You may have noticed that this is a very irregular series. That's because I don't have a lot of beauty tips. When I was younger, my best beauty tip was "Don't Get Old." That one didn't work, so now I just say: "Do whatever it takes! Get work done! Stand next to ugly people! Throw sand in people's eyes if they get too close!"

However, I do occasionally come across some more practical tips, such as this totally believable one I saw on ehow.com, which says rubbing the inside of a banana peel on your face will make it super smooth and rubbing it on your teeth will whiten them. (This explains why chimps have such lovely skin and teeth.)

Let's see, what else have I got? Ah yes. This is a biggie: wear makeup. Accept the fact that “the natural look” is really only for those rare women who are naturally incredibly beautiful, such as Charlize Theron, Halle Berry and Adriana Lima. The rest of us trolls need all the help we can get. There’s no shame in that, ladies. Embrace the lipstick or die a spinster.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Wow. For the first time since I started working for you, I actually kind of pity you right now.
MY NOTE: Well don't. You were who I had in mind when I said "stand next to ugly people."