Thursday, 14 March 2013

MILEY CYRUS WILL BE FLYING TO AUSTRALIA SOON

MY DANG OL' FIANCE BETTER 
GIT HIS BUTT BACK HERE ... 
or me 'n' Daddy's gonna drive all the way to Australia 
to git him! (Say what? You can't drive there? 
OK, then, we'll hitchhike!)
Photo/CreStock
  
Page Six is reporting that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth are officially over. And now I’m confused. Am I supposed to be sad? Am I supposed to be surprised? Or am I supposed to slap my knee and say “Dagnabbit! I knew all along that dang ol’ lesbeen wadn't gonna marry no cooter-pie-eatin’ MAN!” That last one? Good, because that’s the one I was leaning towards. 

The rumours of this ill-matched couple's demise have been circulating for months, but anyone with a pulse and one eye could have predicted it when A) Miley started shaving her head, going to strip clubs and dressing like a hillbilly and B) her painfully normal fiance Liam found these behaviours curiously off-putting and decided having sex with the worst possible candidate would be a good way to forget about Miley’s boy-gina. ("Hey look, there's January Jones! That's perfect!")

Except that didn't totally work because January Jones is actually a witch so it was sort of like jumping out of the frying pan and into the JESUS CHRIST WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO MY PENIS?!? So then he poured antibiotics all over everything, including any hopes of a reunion, and decided it would be safest for him best for both of them if he just left the flipping continent. Not the room. Not the city. Not even the state. THE CONTINENT.

The official word is that Liam is spending some time in Australia to "give them both a break." 
The unofficial word is that his penis is hiding behind the couch and says it isn't ever going to come out again. ("Please?" "NO! I don't trust you. I HATE YOU!"
In other words, Page Six is right. It's over.  

Editor's note: So, no wedding. Well this is very bad news for Kentucky Fried Possum. You don't get wedding catering gigs like THAT every day!