Tuesday, 12 March 2013

HABEMUS PAPAM. CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON NOW?

Pope, Father Alberto Cutie, Catholics, Whorrified, Habemus Papam,
NOW THIS GUY, I WOULD HAVE VOTED FOR
(And not just because he's delicious, although that helps.) Father Alberto Cutie has some refreshing thoughts on what a new pope should stand for: women in the pulpit, allowing priests to marry and have children. Or as hard-core Catholics like to call it: crazy talk. 
 
Not that we needed any further proof that I am a bad Catholic, maybe even the worst Catholic ever, but a friend and I were hanging out in the kitchen yesterday watching CP24 and at one point I huffed: "Enough of the Pick-a-Pope coverage, already!"

My friend stared at me and turned an intriguing shade of grey, a sort of lavenderish hue.
"What?" I said.
"Enough of the Pope?" he said. "This is big news."
"I know but ... it's kinda boring. It's hard to get excited about choosing a leader who isn't going to change any of the things that so badly need changing."
My friend shook his head.

"You know you're going to hell?" 
"I've been there for years," I retorted. "It's not so bad. Except for the molester priests."

Truthfully, the turgid pomp and ceremony, the excess of it all, annoys me for many reasons, not the least of which is that it reminds me of the turgid pomp and ceremony of the monarchy, weddings and prom night. It seems antiquated and manipulative and frankly, hypocritical. I understand that for the devout, this pomp is an integral part of the experience. But for the marginalized, the young and the disillusioned, it is off-putting. 
The Catholic Church, perhaps more than any other body, really can't afford to ignore that.

I will admit I felt a twinge of excitement today when white smoke began billowing from the papal chimney. Because I knew in that instant that selfless humanitarian Dennis Rodman's arrival in Rome hours earlier was not a mere coincidence but a divine signal that a decision was nigh. And sure enough, within moments, the new pope was revealed as Jorge Bergoglio, who is from Argentina but other than that is exactly what we'd all expected: old, white and homophobic. (Dennis is reportedly very, very disappointed that the new pope ignored his request to use ILL PAPA RODNEY XXX as his papal name, but you know, tradition and all that.)

EDITOR'S NOTE: Boo. I wanted that Father Cutie to win.

MY NOTE: Me too. But that stupid rule about marriage and kids and sex with grown women being a firing offence really hurt him, I think.