Tuesday, 26 March 2013


(Note: This is NOT the same woman who claimed he groped her 
when they posed for a photo.) 

Could everybody just stop picking on Rob Ford please? You reporters and national newspapers and councillors and other tattlers are just being really, really mean. To use our esteemed mayor's own Grade 3 level words: "It’s just lies after lies and lies and I’ve called you pathological liars and you are so why don’t you take me to court?" 

The Toronto Star broke a front page story that quoted councillor Paul Ainslie and several anonymous members of the Toronto Garrison Ball's organizing committee as saying Mayor Ford was asked to leave the ball last month because he was blotto. CP24, CFRB, CBC and other media outlets pounced on this story, because they too are really, really mean.

Like seriously, people. Stop lying, you stupid liars! And stop picking on Rob Ford just because he allegedly sometimes stumbles, mumbles incoherently, becomes agitated and verbally abusive and allegedly gropes the occasional female buttock. Stop investigating every tip you get about the mayor of the biggest city in Canada because that is NOT what reporters are supposed to do. Don't you get that? You're supposed to run around behind him, licking his arse and telling him he's wonderful, he's the best, he's awesome, he's not naked at all, he's the emperor, he's the emperor! Just like his brother Doug does. 

Stop investigating the incessant rumours that Rob Ford has an alcohol or a substance abuse problem. Just because there's smoke doesn't mean there's fire. It could simply mean that somebody is smoking something in the bathroom.
Stop printing Twitter photographs of our good mayor reading while driving on the Gardiner Expressway.
Stop mentioning the Twitter photos of our good mayor allegedly purchasing Russian Prince vodka at the LCBO. (I personally don't believe that for a second; that dude can afford Grey Goose!)

Stop telling us about the DUI he fibbed about, about the time he got into a drunken argument with spectators at a Leafs game, and for pity's sake, would you just leave that tired football funding scandal alone? You are ruining this man's otherwise pristine image! 

Anyway, I'm tired of trying to convince the media to stop reporting and investigating and telling lies. I'm going to go and buy a copy of the National Enquirer and read that. Because at least they have PICTURES of the 98-year-old grandmother who gave birth to a bat-baby, so you know it's true.

National Enquirer editor's note: We would respectfully ask that you not associate us with this Rob Ford debacle in any way. Thank you. 

Update: Paul Ainslie email details what happened at Garrison Ball