Thursday, 14 March 2013


 Steven Seagal is determined to one-up 
pope groupie Dennis Rodman. 
(This will get ugly.)

Steven Seagal is reportedly so bitterly jealous of the attention Dennis Rodman’s globetrotting humanitarian mission is getting that he can hardly see straight. 

First Dennis gets to hang out with super nice guy Kim Yong Un and eat sushi and talk about nuclear war and stuff, and then he gets to go to Rome and show his support for the lone black papal candidate (whose name totally escaped him when asked by reporters, in fact I'd be willing to bet he couldn't have picked the man out in a cardinal lineup if his life depended on it). 

This morning, Steven yanked the newspaper from his assistant’s hands and yelled, “Stop reading! I can’t take anymore! I TOO am going to do good! I too am going to insert myself randomly 'wherever I am needed.' Assistant! Help me think of somewhere I’m needed.” 

Assistant: Uhm, Rome?
Seagal: No you moron! Dennis is already there. I don’t want to look like a copy cat!
Assistant: India?
Seagal: God, no. Too hot. I hate the heat! Think harder.
Assistant: Well … how about Russia?
Seagal: Brilliant! Call Vlad right now and tell him I’m coming.
Assistant: And what will I tell him is the purpose of your visit?
Seagal: *lowers brows* Is that sarcasm? No, wait, I mean irony. Is that irony?
Assistant: No! Of course not, your majesty! It’s insubordination.
Seagal: Oh. That’s all right then.  

Click here for Seagal's super relevant tour of Russia and a photo of him looking exactly like Vladimir's undead Romanian bodyguard.