TAYLOR SWIFT AND ED SHEERAN ARE SO NOT A COUPLE

TAYLOR SWIFT reportedly 
 hooked up with wee Eddie Sheeran 
in her hotel room. My brain refuses 
to process this information. 
Photo/CreStock

 

Word is going around that Taylor Swift has a new man, except that the word is wrong. On all counts. 

First of all, Brit songwriter Ed Sheeran isn’t new, at least not to Taylor. They were pretend-linked before, but only because he had a crush on her and tattooed her album on his arm, which was supposed to be romantic but was just creepy. 

Now, websites from Rolling Stone to DListed are reporting that Too Swift and Hobbity had a cuddlefest in her hotel room until 4 a.m. and are "back together," but I have so many reasons to not believe this (even though it's been weeks since Taylor last chewed up a boyfriend and she's gotta be getting hungry). And I am totally guessing but my guesser is pretty well-developed. Not unlike my butt. 

But I digress…  

REASONS TAYLOR SWIFT COULD NOT POSSIBLY BE DATING ED SHEERAN 

She totally wants me

 

1) Been there done that

2) He’s a ginger-boy. Nobody likes a ginger-boy. (Unless he’s a royal ginger-boy)

3) He’s shorter than she is

4) His eyes look in opposite directions. So creepy. “Hey are you staring at that chick?” "Yes, but it’s okay, babe, because my other eye is totally fixed on YOU!"

5) He has "friend zone" written all over him