Tuesday, 30 April 2013

HOW EVEN UGLY PEOPLE CAN TAKE PERFECT SELFIES

SELFIE-TAKING RULE NO. 1
"Embrace your untamed just-rolled-outta-bed 
tresses!" Yes but what if my just-rolled-outta-bed 
tresses don't look like Miranda Kerr's? 
What if they look more like THIS







I am so happy that, like me, People magazine has chosen to ignore that real things that actually matter are happening in the world and instead focus on complete pap like this "Ten Rules for Taking the Most Beautiful Selfies" piece they've just posted

Because let's face it, that's what most people seem to be doing for about 90 per cent of every waking hour. So if you're going to jam up the Internet with pictures of yourself, at least make sure they're not hideous.

And if you click through their riveting slideshow, you will see it's really very simple. All you have to do is start by looking like Miranda Kerr or Kim Kardashian. Once you've got that nailed, everything else is a breeze!

Basically, it's this: Pout, flash some skin, filter and alter and photoshop the shit out of yourself and voila! You ... only less repulsive. See? I've never even done it before and already I'm a pro.
Here, for your self-faking, selfie-taking pleasure, is the link  to People magazine's amazeballs, Pulitzer-worthy piece. It's practically holy, is what it is.

EDITOR'S NOTE: I once dated a woman who worked for one of those 1-900 services. Her voice was sexier than Sofia Vergara's cleavage! But then when I met her ... sweet mother of pug dogs! This selfie advice reminds me exactly of that.
MY NOTE: I don't get the connection at all. And also please wash your hands before typing even one more word on my keypad. Creepy little bastard.