Monday, 22 April 2013


Are you trying to make the pregnant lady drop her quadruplets right here, right now?

I'm not saying Jessica Simpson, the other white meat curiously talentless pregnant celebrity, hates Kim Kardashian. But she sure is making a determined effort to redirect the spotlight off Kim's exploding hindquarters and onto her own upper region, which has practically gone condo since Fetus No. 2 came along. 

The Weight Watchers spokeswoman has taken on a load of self-promotion duties that would cripple a stevedore, because godammit, pregnancy is money. But only if people are paying attention to it.

Jessica: How come everybodee is talking about how fat Kim is getting?
Manager: There, there, dear, you're getting fat too.  
Jessica: Plus my boobs are bigger!
Manager: *suspecting a trap* Er, bigger than Kim's? Or bigger than they used to be?
Jessica: *puts hands over ears* Stop it! I don't like it when you ask me hard questions!

In the past two days alone, Jessica has let it be known that she threw herself a baby shower (because she's poor and doesn't have enough stuff yet), posted Twitter pics of herself practising walking in flats, and told reporters that she hopes her baby will be a Mama's boy because her 11-month-old daughter, Maxwell, is a Daddy's girl. (Note to Jessica: Maybe she's still pissed off at you for that kiddie porn string bikini you trotted her out in on national TV?)  
And if this plan of attack doesn't work, Jessica is said to be mulling drastic but proven action: she's going to start dating a black guy and demanding to know who leaked that sex tape. (Jessica: Note to self, Call Ray J. Remind dad to leak sex tape.)
EDITOR'S NOTE: Again I ask, why the hell is this dolt famous?
MY NOTE: May I refer you to your screensaver, which features both reasons in glorious heaving 3D.

Related: It's been three years and two pregnancies since Jessica looked anything like the hottie that made her famous. So here, for your edification, is a refresher. Screen saver, anyone?