Sunday, 28 April 2013


And you just know what that poor boxer is thinking. 
"Jesus Christ! Who let a PIG into the dog park?"

So my friend almost stopped speaking to me when I publicly mocked his dog by telling the world that I call her Pig Face. To make it up to him, I took his prize sow for a walk on Saturday and when I brought her back, she wouldn't even acknowledge him.

"What did you do to her?" he asked peevishly.
"Nothing!" I said. "I just took her for a walk and threw a coupla sticks." (And gave her a shot of tequila. But if he asks I'll deny it.)
He tried to laugh it off. But you could see it was bothering him.
Pig Face lolled at my feet, gazing up at me lovingly, ignoring her master's increasingly annoyed wheedling. 
"Delilah, come here. Come, Delilah! DE-GODDAM-LILAH! Come here!"
Nothing. Pig Face merely blinked her white-lashed pig eyes at him and snuggled in closer to my feet.
It was kind of embarrassing, in a deliciously cruel way.

"Heh heh," he said, perspiring now. "That's cute. She likes you."
"Yeah, well it isn't mutual," I yawned.
"Which is nuts," he continued, "because she hardly spends any time with you and you call her Pig Face, for God's sake."
"I know, right?"
Fed up, he literally dragged her to her feet.
"It's time to go," he said through clenched teeth.
"Bring her back any time," I called after him, snickering.
"Shan't," he tossed back.
And for his sake, I hope he means it. Because obviously, pig dogs, unlike mopeds, are putty in my hands.

EDITOR'S NOTE: I guess no one ever told him bitches be fickle.
MY NOTE: Damn straight. And the white ones are the worst!