Friday, 31 May 2013

A GIRL MUST DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO FEEL BETTER

SNOW WHITE AND THE THREE STOOGES
OR: The night I learned that a girl can have a surprising amount of fun when somebody else is paying.
'Member that time I told you I ran into one of my exes and I looked like 10 pounds of ugly stuffed into a five-pound sack? Yeah, well that night I needed to make myself feel attractive, which is always a completely pointless endeavour because once you've gone to all the work of proving you can attract men to you like fruitflies to a rotting mango, you realize you don't want them. 
But oh well.

I went out that night and I tested my powers and I had fun and I didn't have to pay for a single thing all night long. I have to admit, my flirting skills were a little rusty, I mean I've been out of the game since at least last summer and that really didn't go so well (you can read about the fateful boat cruise right here), but hey, I give myself an "E" for estrogen. Or effort. Or both, really. It was a team effort.
Here's how the night went. The parts that I can remember, anyway ...

Bashful: "Can I tempt you with some pulled pork poutine?"
Me: "Well as long as that's not a euphemism for some sort of weird sex game, I don't know what you youngsters get up to these days but I know butt chugging plays a role, then yes. Yes you can treat me to the pulled pork poutine."

Wheezy: "Would you like a thick frothy mug of ... "
Me: "Excuse me? I don't know what you're getting at but I'm going to pretend we're talking about booze here and say I will allow you to purchase me a glass of white wine."

Dopey: "May I chalk your cue so we can play a game of pool?"
Me: "WHAT IS IT WITH YOU GUYS? It's just sex, sex, sex, isn't it? I'm outta here!" 

And then I went home alone and had a nice healthful cup of green tea before getting eight hours of sleep.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Ahem. Would you like me to tell everyone how it really ended?
MY NOTE: Would you like me to castrate you with a pair of rusty pruning shears?