Monday, 27 May 2013


HERE WE HAVE Dee Snider of Twisted Sister ... 
Actually, it's Amanda Bynes, peering out at the judge from under four pounds of gnarled hooker wig.
You think your weekend was busy? Well let me tell you, nobody had a busier weekend than Amanda Bynes. 
Amanda, the former child star nobody ever heard of until she went bonkers, got arrested, got molested, lost her favourite bong, realized that her wig has gone rancid and decided she needs an emergency nose job. 
Can you top that? Of course you can't. Don't even bother trying, because Amanda tried it and wound up getting her vagina slapped.
Here's how it all went down.

On Thursday night, Bynes was arrested for throwing a bong out of the window of her NYC apartment. In the ensuing melee, many different versions of the story came out, but I'm going to use Amanda's version because who better to tell us the truth than a person who has clearly lost all touch with reality?
Amanda tweeted:

"Don’t believe the reports about me being arrested. It’s all lies. I was sexually harassed by one of the cops the night before last which is who then arrested me. He lied and said I threw a bong out the window when I opened the window for fresh air. Hilarious. He slapped my vagina. Sexual harassment. Big deal. I then called the cops on him. He handcuffed me, which I resisted, quite unlike any of the reports stated. Then I was sent to a mental hospital. Offensive. I kept asking for my lawyer but they wouldn’t let me. The cops were creepy. The cop sexually harassed me, they found no pot on me or bong outside my window. That’s why the judge let me go. Don’t believe any reports."

She also tweeted that upon seeing the footage of herself in court, she "needs Nicki Minaj's wig person, stat!" and that she also needs a nose job. 
But everything's okay now because, as we all know, she is not insane and she is getting new hair. Amanda was released without bail and immediately summoned a limo to go wig shopping. She wears a black one now, so no one will recognize her until she throws a crack pipe out of a window and someone says: "Hey, it's that chick who got her vagina slapped!"

Lindsay Lohan's note: I don't get it. If you ask me, this is a good weekend.
Jennifer Aniston's note: How did that little bitch get my wig?