Monday, 20 May 2013


Should you attempt to insinuate or speculate
that Beyonce is pregnant without express 
written permission, on Illuminati letterhead, 
you will find yourself ceasing to exist. 
You'll be vapour. Gone. Bye-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!

There comes a defining moment in a celebrity's life when they cross that line, that magical, intangible line that separates the revered from the reviled. 

Beyonce has always been squarely on the revered side of that line, projecting a sweet demeanor, being a good mom, a loving wife, a respectful daughter. Oh, and she votes. She loves her some Obama! 

But lately the queen of everything has been taking a few missteps. Like the time she tried to get her assistant to edit the Internet. I'm not sure even God can do that. 
And then yesterday, Beyonce, no doubt feeling cranky on account of not being pregnant, sent out a huffy Instagram scolding media outlets for reporting that she's pregnant. With a petulance worthy of a Lindsay Lohan or a Kanye West, Beyonce alluded to the ongoing speculation in an icy post, which was later deleted:

"I can't stop the rumors from starting, and I can't really change people's minds who believe them, all I can do is sit back and laugh at these low life people who have nothing better to do than talk about me," Beyonce allegedly wrote.  

Well girl, let me tell you. You should thank your goddam not-pregnant lucky stars that low life people talk about you. You should thank your goddam flat belly for the two shits anyone still gives about the state of your uterus, which I am told will someday be inducted as the 51st state of the U.S. of A., necessitating a new flag and a new anthem and new history books, none of which will be deemed excessive because you are goddam Beyonce, she about whom people talk. As opposed to Winona Ryder. Or  Nick Lachey. Or Lisa Robin Kelly. Who? See? That's what I'm sayin,' Bey. Nobody's ever gonna name a state after those losers.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Remember that song Beyonce wrote: "I got a big ego, such a huge ego"? I used to like that song.
MY NOTE: Whereas I used to think it was a euphemism for her butt.