Tuesday, 21 May 2013


doing 70 mph on a highway in Britain. 
His people will have you know he was
"trying to close the door properly." 
Epic door-closing fail, George. Epic.
I don't know what the hell is going on with George Michael and his death wish, but vehicles seem to be playing an increasingly important role in it.

In his latest adventure, George tumbled out of an SUV going 70 mph on a highway. This probably had absolutely nothing to do with booze or weed, because sober people tumble out of moving vehicles all the time. 

Although to be fair, this moving-vehicle thing is a new one for George. He’s used to parked cars, apparently. He gets some of his best naps in parked cars. He maybe even gets some of his best something else in parked cars, but that would be suggesting something entirely different. Something such as homosexual trysts. (Oh I’m not worried. My editor will edit that out later, if he’s not too busy with a homosexual tryst of his own.)

So anyway, George was a passenger in a Range Rover when he flung himself out of it because ... oh hang on, now that I’m halfway through this story I’m being told by my utterly useless editor that news reports say George was simply “trying to close the door properly.” 

Well clearly he needs lots more practice at this “closing the door properly” thing. See, what you need to do, George, is you need to ensure that you keep your body is INSIDE the moving vehicle whilst practising this tricky manoeuvre. Also, ideally, you close the door properly before the vehicle begins to move. 
But one thing at a time, I don’t want to confuse you. Nor do I want to interrupt one of your, er, "naps." Best wishes for a speedy recovery!

Editor's note: Good lord. This woman is going to hell and there is absolutely nothing, NOTHING, I can do to stop it.