Monday, 6 May 2013

GO TRAIN UNLOCKS LID ON PANDORA'S PORT-A-POTTY

IF YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF LOCKED 
in a GO train bathroom, the important thing 
to remember is to remain calm
(Taking selfies is curiously soothing.) 

Childhood traumas are astonishing things. They can lie dormant for decades, and then BAM! Something triggers them and you realize they were there all along. They have become a part of you.

Take, for example, my experience last week in a GO train bathroom. Because I cannot make it more than four blocks in any direction without having my bladder ask, "Are we there yet?" I found myself visiting one of these fantastic facilities on the train to Brampton.

I stepped inside and looked around and thought, hmm, I should lock the door. Where's the lock? Ah, there it is. Click. 
WHAT? NO, WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!  
Within an instant, hot panic had filled my throat like lava.

THAT TIME! I wheezed. That one time! When I was a kid! Locked in bathroom on train! Crying! Kicking door. Help! SOMEBODY! HELP! Someone laughing on other side of the door! Was that my mom? Was she getting off the train and ditching her loser child who couldn't even figure out how to unlock a door? AM I GONNA DIE IN HERE? 

Now just wait a sec, grownup Marie tried to tell myself.
What the fuck is wrong with you, woman?
You're not 6, you're ... older than that.
It's a GO train bathroom, circa 2013. It works.
And if the lock jams you simply find the buzzer .... *scans cubicle frantically* ... or bang on the door and call for help while the passengers and crew roll around on the floor in hysterics.

This entire interior monologue (delivered in a bat-like screech) unfolded in about 10 seconds but felt like much more. As the crazy kept talkin', I took a deep breath and then calmly started taking pictures of myself. Because if I do get out of here alive, I thought, I can at least get a blog out of this.

As the shutter clicked and clicked and clicked, I heard the door handle being turned from the outside.
I didn't say a word. Let that poor bastard try and figure out what was going on in there that involved a locked door and a camera shutter set on repeat, and then ask himself, "Do I really want to use THAT bathroom?" Well do ya, punk?

EDITOR'S NOTE: I hope you're all beginning to see what I'm working with here.