Saturday, 11 May 2013


This makes up for the time she told
a random stranger in McDonald's: 
"Guess what? My mom's havin' puppies!" 
I won't be writing on Mother's Day because I'll be drunk as a lemur. Haha, I wish. No, I'll be being feted by the delightful creatures who turned my birth canal into the Suez, who taught me why God invented epidurals and why He really might want to take another stab at those because dammit, they are no match for the pain they are up against (that's the Devil's work, right there), who gave me months of sleepless nights and who literally shat on me on more than one occasion. And who were worth every second of it. 

Happy Mother's Day to all of you moms out there, even the ones who don't have children, because we're all mothers to someone, somehow. (Why are you looking at me like that, Jennifer Lopez? It's not my fault your boyfriend doesn't even have pubes yet.)  

And most of all, happy Mother's Day to my own mother. We'll be having lunch and probably knocking back a couple of glasses because what the hell, we've earned it. Isn't that right, Mom? Clink! 

EDITOR'S NOTE: What about Tanning Mom? Do you wish her a Happy Mother's Day?
MY NOTE: Sure, why not? Send her a dozen long-stemmed melanomas in my name.

EDITOR'S NOTE: And Octomom?
MY NOTE: A dozen long-stemmed brownies.

EDITOR'S NOTE: And my mom?
MY NOTE: Oh. Do you even have one of those? I just assumed ...