Tuesday, 14 May 2013

INTERNET SAYS BEYONCE IS PREGNANT, SO SHE MUST BE

JEN, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS NOT PREGNANT
Yawn. Although I would like to know 
'the shocking reason Justin won't 
marry her.' I bet it has something to do 
with nonstop jabbering about ovulating.


For some reason that might have something to do with Illuminati, the Internet is suddenly ablaze with speculation that Beyonce is pregnant with baby No. 2. Which would hardly be shocking, I mean she's already gone on record as saying she wants a sibling for Blue Ivy and that's what women her age do, they have kids, for God's sake. Any cat can do it with less fuss. 

But because this is Beyonce, she who hath powers to cast the entire Super Bowl into darkness simply by making the diamond sign, the blood has to drain out of the collective face of the entire world at the mere sight of what looks like a baby bump but which may, in fact, just be too much bread. (Speaking as a woman who loves bread. Give me a good Portuguese pao redondo and a glass of water and just watch what friggin happens down there. You'd swear I was carrying Kim Kardashian's 22-pound baby for her.)

Anyway, the Internet really has its heart set on this pregnancy so Beyonce might as well just get on with it. (Internet: Yes! You get it! You can be the godmother...)

And speaking of the most tepid and unsurprising news ever, earlier reports that Jennifer Aniston's wedding is "on hold" have now been upgraded to "is cancelled." Which of course I called months ago, whilst simultaneously calling that her uterus was emphatically NOT carrying twins, or singletons, or even the shadow of the memory of the ghost of a fetus, human or otherwise. 

Related: In a shocking development, JayZ's mom says her grand-daughter is cute and smart and that JayZ "melts" when she calls him "Papa." This is unheard of in the history of parenting and is so powerful it could very well break the Internet. Full story here.