Monday, 27 May 2013

IT'S OKAY, EVERYBODY, CHRIS BROWN'S NOT DANGEROUS!

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE FACE 
of a guy who's dangerous? Huh?
Well come here and say that to my face 
YOU PIECE OF DRAKE DOG-TURD! 
(Whew. For a moment there, I was worried. 
But then I saw the cross so I knew 
that this is in fact Jesus.)
Photo/CreStock 
Am I the only one who finds it absolutely hysterical that the chorus to Chris Brown's latest hit song "Fine China", that earworm phrase that just gets in there and won't get out, is "It's all right, I'm not dangerous"?

Either this kid's manager is on crack (and if that's the case, please don't ask our mayor, Rob Ford, to recommend a good dealer because he has stated quite categorically that he is not an addict) or his manager is great but Chris Brown doesn't listen to him. This strikes me as a much more logical explanation. 

Because after all, as everyone who has been paying even the scantest of attention to this blog knows, Chris Brown is not at all dangerous ... unless you are a woman's face or a car. In that case, okay, maybe he's dangerous. No let me rephrase that: he's dangerous.

In the course of a mere four years, Breezy has crashed a Porsche into a wall, rear-ended another woman's car with his Range Rover in what is now being described as a hit-and-run, has allegedly taken swings at a bowling alley attendant, Frank Ocean, Drake and of course Rihanna, and flown into a violent, chair-throwing rage on Good Morning America when asked about his history of violence.
All in all, very unseemly behaviour for someone who professes to be Jesus.

So Breezy, at the risk of provoking you to hunt me down and unleash your Breezy fists of fury on my ethereally beautiful face (and I don't recommend that because Brampton's fucking ugly, but if you do come, try the pepper shrimp at Calypso Hut), I simply have to say: Buddy, please. "I'm not dangerous" ? You need to get yourself an absurdity consultant.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Tut tut. You're being awfully hard on the boy. He's very talented and that new song of his is infectious.
MY NOTE: Yeah, you know what else is infectious? The clap.