Tuesday, 19 May 2015

JENNIFER ANISTON IS A STRIPPER NOW. I KNOW, RIGHT?

JEN POURS ON THE STULTIFYING ENNUI AT DRESS REHEARSAL
Jen:
'Hey there, you big boy. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You know I like that. I want to spank you with my yoga mat.' How's that, director? Director!!!
Director: *snores loudly, sits bolt upright* ... Huh? What?


Holy shitballs, am I ever glad this week is almost over. And not just because everybody except Doug Ford thinks our mayor is an ass-grabbing crack fiend and it's making Toronto long for the highbrow leadership of Mel Lastman, but because the celebrity news has been even more scumsuckingly dirty than usual. 

First it was Rihanna baiting Chris Brown with strip-club tweets, then it was Lance Armstrong being ratted out as a butt-crack fetishist, then it was the super exciting news that Paris Hilton is having a relapse comeback, and now, WTF? Jennifer Aniston is a stripper. 

Yeah, no, she just plays one in a movie. But it's even harder to believe when you see the actual movie because for some reason, Jennifer Aniston is less than the sum of her parts. She's the best-looking unattractive woman on the planet. She possesses zero titillation factor. She emits the torrid allure of porridge. She puts on the hooker wigs and the lingerie and she struts around like a mechanical windup toy and sits on clients' laps (gingerly, making the Rachel face) and your pulse does this: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Whoever got the high-larious idea of casting Jen in We're the Millers needs a good swift kick in the neuticles. Just to wake them up. I've seen the trailer, below, and  just as I predicted Paris Hilton's drecktastic new song "Last Night" is going to be the summer's hit single, I'm predicting this is going to be the summer's hit comedy. There. I said it. *walks into oncoming traffic*

JEN'S EX-FIANCE'S NOTE: I'm feeling a curious stirring in my nether region. It's almost, it's like ... oh. Never mind. I just had to pee.

Watch the trailer of We're the Millers below. Warning: Will make you want to go to a strip club, just to get the awful taste of flaccid out of your mouth.