Monday, 20 May 2013


I believe it is very important to maintain a professional, business-like relationship with co-workers. The ones you don't like and, even more importantly, the ones you do like, so much so that you socialize with them at bars, at restaurants, at their homes for sleepovers, on trips to Puerto Vallarta, on those weird speed-dating nights that make you feel like Brood Sow No. 9732:

"What's your name? How do you pronounce ... never mind, a prettier girl is waiting right behind you so your five minutes are up."
"But surely that was only two minutes?"
"Yeah, but you're ugly."

(Hah! Once again my goddam idiot editor has allowed me to slide disastrously off topic. If it weren't for the fact that he can make the best dry martini this side of Ivujivik, I swear I'd have him beheaded.)

Where was I? Ah yes. Martini. No wait, speed-dating. Er ... anyway, I have done all of the above things with co-workers and yet still I manage to maintain a professional distance whilst at work. I am not above being stern with even my best friends if they err on the job. I present to you as exhibit A an actual email I sent to a co-worker some months ago, politely commanding her to bring me a beverage because, technically, I was her boss that day. 

Unfortunately, she totally dropped the ball because she did not check her work email from home nor did she check her phone to get the two text messages I sent as backup. Basically, she was begging me to fire her. So naturally when she arrived (with a Tims for herself), I took the professional high road, giving her the worst duties for the entirety of her shift and sighing gustily while staring at her full cup of coffee. All. Night. Long.

Editor's note: You see that part in the email where she says "I just won't ever speak to you again?" People think she's joking. She's not joking.