Monday, 6 May 2013

RIHANNA AND CHRIS BROWN ARE OVER. PLEASE, GOD

RIHANNA AND CHRIS BROWN IN HAPPIER TIMES 
Like, maybe an hour ago. But now Chris says, and I quote, "I can't focus on wife-ing" her. 
So ... wait, does his shirt say what I think it does? This dude is seven different kinds of douchebag.
Twitter

Omigod! Chris Brown and Rihanna are, like, totally over again. This time it's because Chris got mad because photos of Rihanna kissing some gorgeous hottie in a nightclub surfaced and Chris just found that unacceptable because he's the only one who's allowed to be a globetrotting whore and ooooo, if she were only in the same country he would kick her and punch her and bite her, but she's not so he did the next best thing: he "unfollowed" her on Twitter. 

Then Rihanna tweeted ... wow. Weird. It's like my whole head just deflated. I'm sorry. I really can't go on with this story. To paraphrase: Stupidest, most breaking-upiest couple ever, totally over, for now. Cheers. *raises tumbler of warm piss*

You can listen to Chris Brown's sensitive bashing of Riri on live Australian radio and his tasteful rendering of how he handled being single for his birthday last weekend below, if you have the stomach for it. (And if you don't, I can paraphrase that too: "Basically I plan to have sex with as many bitches as possible because I'm fantastic and Rihanna isn't wife material. My dad said.")

EDITOR'S NOTE: What I want to know is, what happened to the $1 million Benz Rihanna was going to surprise him with for his birthday?