Monday, 20 May 2013

THE BILLBOARD NOMINEES REALLY OUTDID THEMSELVES

TO BEGIN, we have the lovely
and always tasteful Ke$ha, 
sporting a whore-nurse costume 
and apparently missing a tooth. 
But wait, it gets better ...
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Every time I miss an awards show on purpose because I would rather endure two solid weeks of painful constipation followed by one liquid week of amoebic dysentery, I have this tiny little moment of panic.

It goes like this: "Shit. What if I missed something important? Like maybe this time Chris Brown's brain actually burst free of its feeble confines and he kicked Rihanna down the steps of the stage on live television? 
And she lay there at the bottom of the steps in a heap, her trembling fingers reaching for her cellphone so she could tweet: 'Oh you gonna disrespect me like that b*tch? You are Dead to Me! LOL! Love you baby!
It would totally suck if I missed that." 

And then I start scanning through the photographic afterbirth that all the other more professional gossip websites deliver and I realize: "Nope. You're good."

So if you, like me, fretted even a tiny bit after missing last night's 2013 Billboard Awards, relax. I've done the dirty work for you and come up with the only moments worth watching. (Please enjoy on an empty stomach. Because I warn you: the Wiz Khalifa bride-licking is the most revolting thing I've seen since the getup Ke$ha wore to the last boring awards show I missed.)