Goldilocks and the Three Bores
She lived by the motto: "Always be nice to strange men at bars and you won't have to pay for a single drink all night long!" And on this night, there were lots of strange men. Three of them in particular stood out as very generous buyers, and Goldilocks found herself in the delightful position of being pressured to choose just one.
But the first suitor was too young.
The second suitor was too old.
And the third suitor was too drunk.
So in the end Goldilocks didn't choose any of them.
That's right. She went home alone (and it's a jolly good thing because she hadn't shaved her legs since last September).
What's that? It's supposed to end with "one of them was just right"? Listen, ladies, that's fairy tale crap. It's just one of the many bullshit lies they tell us to set us up for disappointment for the rest of our lives. There is no "just right," and the sooner we all get that, the fewer bad marriages are gonna happen and the better things are gonna be.
Er ... and they all lived happily ever after. The End.
EDITOR'S NOTE: You suck at fairy tales.
MY NOTE: Correction, they all lived happily after except one of them, who had to be beheaded because he was ugly.