Friday, 14 June 2013

ALLOW ME TO SET THE MOOD FOR YOUR DATE NIGHT

Because Friday is date night and I often like to ruin that for everyone by reminding them that dating sucks and relationships are only fun for about two weeks and then it's nonstop problems, I'm going to kick this Friday off with a real-life fairy tale, inspired by my birthday party last weekend. Of course I may have been a tiny bit drunken sailor tipsy, but as I recall, it goes something like this:

Goldilocks and the Three Bores

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful blonde blogger who should by now have been married to Javier Bardem, except that he doesn't know she exists so that complicates things. In other words she was single and this fact drew hordes of hopefuls to her everywhere she went. The bar on her birthday being no exception. 

She lived by the motto: "Always be nice to strange men at bars and you won't have to pay for a single drink all night long!" And on this night, there were lots of strange men. Three of them in particular stood out as very generous buyers, and Goldilocks found herself in the delightful position of being pressured to choose just one.

But the first suitor was too young.

The second suitor was too old.

And the third suitor was too drunk.

So in the end Goldilocks didn't choose any of them. 
That's right. She went home alone (and it's a jolly good thing because she hadn't shaved her legs since last September).

What's that? It's supposed to end with "one of them was just right"? Listen, ladies, that's fairy tale crap. It's just one of the many bullshit lies they tell us to set us up for disappointment for the rest of our lives. There is no "just right," and the sooner we all get that, the fewer bad marriages are gonna happen and the better things are gonna be.
Er ... and they all lived happily ever after. The End.

EDITOR'S NOTE: You suck at fairy tales.
MY NOTE: Correction, they all lived happily after except one of them, who had to be beheaded because he was ugly.