Thursday, 20 June 2013
CARE TO SLIP INTO A COSY PAIR OF PERVS-BE-GONE?
Sweet hairy Jesus. I have just learned that hairy-leg leggings are a thing that actually exists. They're a huge hit in China, where they're being marketed as a great way to keep sexual maniacs off your nubile daughter. Seriously. You slip them on like stockings and voila, you're no longer Ming Soo, you're Giancarlo.
I am horrified. Appalled. Shocked, gobsmacked, aghast. Plus my stubble is standing on end. I mean, Jesus, I'm half Brazilian; before I got my first scythe and discovered shaving, this is what my legs actually looked like. My mom never had to buy long underwear for me in the winter. I grew my own!
Had I but known that someone would actually pay to have Sasquatch legs, I'd have had myself patented. I could have been a hairy billionaire at age 21. Instead, my useless, perfectly waxed legs and I have to work for a living. Really feeling mad at the world right now.
EDITOR'S NOTE: I don't get it. I find these insanely attractive.
MY NOTE: Yes, but your mother was an orangutan. To everyone else, trust me, they're repulsive.