Wednesday, 12 June 2013

DEMI HAS A NEW PRETEND BOYFRIEND, EVERYBODY

DEMI MOORE HAS 
A PRETEND NEW BOYFRIEND  
and he kinda looks like Tarzan.
I hope Demi likes extreme sports 
natural hemp fibre cereals
because I have a feeling 
that's what this dude is into.

Gossip websites that are reputable if nowhere near as witty as mine are breathlessly reporting that Demi Moore, age 50, has a super-fit new "rumoured" boyfriend, Aussie Will Hanigan, age 30.

Really? Well I happen to know that "rumoured' is just another word for "not really." And "Demi Moore" is just another word for "desperate cougar who has developed an inexplicable knack for repelling men" in much the same fashion as Jennifer Aniston inexplicably repels men. It shouldn't be so, but it is. 

What's more, I don't even want this to be Demi Moore's new boyfriend. This guy is Grizzly Adams-meets-freeloading-surfer-dude. This guy reeks of weed and unemployment and professional cougar-baiting. I've never even MET him and I can smell it on him. Ick. Even for Demi, this furry creature is not good enough. So I'm going to go ahead and proclaim this rumour to be untrue. It's not true, everybody. Okay? Please? Not true.

EDITOR'S NOTE: I think we can blame Ashton Kutcher for this. In fact, for everything. Full gut-wrenching story at OMG