Sunday, 2 June 2013

GUESS WHO'S MISSING (HINT: NAME STARTS WITH 'K')

AMERICA'S MOST IMPORTANT  FAMILY 
(It terrifies me to realize that's probably true.) Keeping Up with the Kardashians season eight...SEASON FRIGGING EIGHT!...airs tonight, with or without Kanye.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for: the new season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians airs tonight. You there, please stop screaming. I specifically warned all of you that if you didn't behave, this would be your punishment. This is what happens when you don't listen to mommy and you go out boozing and butt chugging and not reading your Bible.  
Life Lesson No. 1: There are CONSEQUENCES.  
Life Lesson No. 2: There are KARDASHIANS. Lots of them.

However, there is some good news. The clever Kardashians (I know that sounds funny but scientifically speaking, if you put all of their brains together in a blender and hit 'pulse' and then chilled the resulting mess in a dollar-sign-shaped mold, you would have a brain with roughly the IQ of Miley Cyrus's) have ramped up the non-existent suspense by leaving Kanye out of this publicity shot. Ooooh, what could this mean? Are they fighting? Are they over? Is Kanye repulsed by Kim's pregnancy bloat? Is he going to wait until she looks hot again and then try to get her back only it'll be too late because now she'll be with Michael Bolton? (Kim: "Well he's really nice and when I close my eyes and listen to him sing I can pretend he's black.") 

Yeah, I don't have the answers to these questions and maybe I never will because I have watched only 10 minutes of this insufferable show in my entire lifetime. That's 10 minutes I'll never get back. For those who care, KUWTK airs at 9 p.m. on E!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Apparently the sex of Kim's baby is going to be revealed tonight. I'm thinking it's going to be one of everything. That woman is having triplets for sure.