Wednesday, 12 June 2013

I READ THE KANYE INTERVIEW SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO

YEEZ LOUISE!
I certainly hope our Lord and Saviour 
has a sense of humour, because otherwise 
He's going to be super pissed that Kanye 
is charging him royalties for this image.

If you have any doubts that Kanye West is completely megalomaniacal batshit bonkers, this interview in the New York Times should snuff them out once and for all. And once you've read it (which I don't recommend because it's like ramming your fingers down your throat over and over again) pour the title of his new album (Yeezus) over the smoldering embers for good measure. You can never be too careful with an ego the size of Kanye's.

I won't bore you with the five-page orgy of self-pleasuring he indulges in, but I will pluck out the choicest tidbits for your tsking pleasure.

Tidbit No. 1) Kanye is awesomeness personified.
When asked about the time he burst on stage while Taylor Swift was giving her MTV Music Video Awards acceptance speech, Kanye said that was just Kanye following divine orders to be Kanye. "It's only led me to complete awesomeness at all times," he says. "Beauty, truth, awesomeness. That's all it is." Let us pause to retch and genuflect.

Tidbit No. 2) Kanye is not having America's baby. 
“Hell, I just don’t want to talk to America about my family. Like, this is my baby. This isn’t America’s baby.” That's a lovely thought. A thought that should have occurred to him before he inserted his awesome penis into America's vagina.

Tidbit No 3) Basically, Kanye is God. Respect his godliness and while you're at it, kiss his godlike ass. 
Only he said it in these words, which are basically code for what I just said. "Respect my trendsetting abilities. Once that happens, everyone wins. ... I think what Kanye West is going to mean is something similar to what Steve Jobs means ... because I got the answers. I understand culture. I am the nucleus."

And if after this you want to read more of the rantings of a barely mortal madman, be my guest. Me, I'm going to go and write Kim Kardashian a nice little letter (because all of a sudden I feel sorry for her) as follows: 
"Dear Kim. You are carrying the Incubus. It's Rosemary's Baby all over again. Waddle away, waddle as fast as you can, go and have tea with Taylor Swift and let her teach you how to dump a ho. *P.S. I'm sorry I said you were America's vagina. Your mom seems nice. Say hello to Bruce for me. And...uhm...yeah. Bye.*"