Friday, 21 June 2013


in this imaginary video of an incident that never happened.
 TMZ framegrab

Yay! It's the weekend! I'm going to keep this short on account of I have a festive bottle of plonk chilling (*checks watch for 117th time* ah, screw it, I'm gonna drink it warm). Tonight we're letting the video cameras do the work, because pretty much all you have to do these days is point one of these bad boys at any given celebrity and you've got pure gold. So please enjoy the ... hold on, I've spilled a little of my sassy juice *slurp* there, that's better, I sucked it directly off my pants with a straw! ... well I forget what I was going to say so let's just sit back and get on with the damn videos, shall we?
Now to begin...

First off, we have Rihanna, who obviously learned a lot from her relationship with Chris Brown. Such as how to overreact and how to punch the living shit out of people who are guilty of nothing more than wanting to be around you. Check out this snippet of her dropping a vicious karate chop on a fan who dared touch her royal person. Wow. No wonder Chris broke up with her: she's starting to fight back.

Next up, we have 2 Chainz. Remember how he posted an illiterate tweet last week, basically saying the cop who said he was robbed at gunpoint was a lying homeless crack-addicted liar? Well here’s a video of that gunpoint incident that didn’t happen. Your move, Chainz ...

And finally, we have our own homegrown Biebs, christening Instagram's new video feature by posting a video of himself, "allegedly" stoned out of his gourd on weed. (This friendship with Lil Twist is suddenly starting to make sense.) I think what I enjoy most about this video is the fact that it shows the Biebs living the exact life he'd be living if he had never become famous and instead grew up in a trailer park driving a forklift for a living: getting high on a Friday afternoon, strutting around tatted and shirtless and barely able to put a sentence together. If it weren't for the Ferrari he uses as a killing machine, you would never know this kid was a celebrity.