Sunday, 16 June 2013

KIM KARDASHIAN'S ANKLES ARE SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW

IN RELATED NEWS 
This shameless rag made it sound like 
the blessed event was actually happening,
days before it actually happened. 
 I disapprove of charging $2.99 
for such trickery. If you want speculation 
and bitchiness, folks, you can 
get it right here for free!
For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Krist the Lord.

That's right. The moment you've all been waiting for to be over has arrived: Kim Kardashian has given birth to a baby girl. A few weeks early (but that's probably because she lied about the date of conception) but still, a blessed event.

Official word is that the baby, whose name will of course start with a "K," looks like her mother and not He Who Shall Only Answer to the Name Yeezus, proving that Kris Jenner's powers reach much further than we thought, to include actual genetic manipulation. Nicely done, Mother Jenner. Nicely done! 

That's all we have for now folks. Unless you all want to get together and scare up the $50 billion dollars this fame-rogering couple will no doubt demand for exclusive rights to the first picture. Oh wait, no, I forgot. Kanye has explicitly said this is not "America's baby." 
And he's right.
It's Kris Jenner's baby.
"You will hand her over to Mother, now, children ..."
"But Mother, I'm breastfee..."
"NOW!"

"Here you go."

Editor's note: I'm very happy to hear this baby is a miracle, unlike all the other babies in the world, but sad to hear it is "apart" from the family. And that her aunt is illiterate. Please see Khloe's tweet, below. Which was apparently copy edited by Brampton's finest.
 
KhloéKardashianOdom @KhloeKardashian
"I can not even begin 2describe the miracle that is now apart of our family. Mommy/baby are healthy &resting. We appreciate all of the love."