Tuesday, 4 June 2013

NO ORAL SEX PLEASE, MICHAEL DOUGLAS, WE'RE BRITISH

'BRITISH PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT'
 Because it's dirty and also because 
every time they're about to, they picture 
Camilla, seen here wearing a hat 
that I like to think is an exact replica 
of the inside of her vagina.
Photo/Wikipedia

Good old half-senile  cootie codger Michael Douglas has really lifted the lid on Pandora's box with his latest boast claim, which he later tried to deny when his exes came after him with searing hot pokers: that he got throat cancer from performing "services" on the ladies. 

And yes, I'm being coy, because I'm a lady (although not the kind Michael services) and also because my mom and auntie often sign on to have a look here and I don't want them to have me even more excommunicated than I already am. Because they're good Irish Catholic lasses and they know people who could do that. Catholic mafia, if you will. 

Damn, I've said too much. We're all in mortal danger now.

Oh well, before we're crucified, let's gossip.
So on the heels of this completely insane claim of Michael's, TMZ now feels justified to run around asking women what they think of the fact that he has turned their vaginas into killing machines. 

My favourite is where they ambush actress and very authentic British person Lisa Vanderpump and she replies in her very authentic British accent: "We don't do that in England." R-r-r-r-right. Well that must be why British people have such fabulous teeth then. 

And furthermore ... Well, there don't seem to be any further developments in this salacious case other than that Catherine Zeta Jones might have contracted a vag infection from the Lysol she's been soaking in for two days now, but hey, any excuse to talk about oral sex!
(Mom? Am I still allowed to go to communion?)

EDITOR'S NOTE: *stares at blood splatters on his shoes* Hey, what the ... is that stigmata?
MY NOTE: No, you idiot, you're just having your period.
EDITOR: But I'm a man.
MY NOTE: You're an editor. Of a gossip blog. Here, have a tampon.