Monday, 17 June 2013

STROMBO TANKED ON CNN BECAUSE NICE IS BORING

george stroumboulopoulos, jian ghomeshi, Q, CNN, reese witherspoon,
AMERICA, YOU NEED 
TO FALL IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN
 He rides motorcycles, he loves the Canadiens 
and he ... wait, is that a dimple? Sweet Jesus, 
the man has a dimple! What kind of 
sick sub-human does not love a dimple? 
Photo/Mark Dunne



Q: If a George Stroumboulopoulos falls on CNN and no one is there to hear it, will it make a sound?
A: I think the point here is "no one was there to hear it."

Strombo, the beefier, manlier, less gender-ambiguous version of Jian Ghomeshi, debuted on America's most overrated news channel last night and almost nobody noticed. In fact, he got the second-lowest ratings for that time slot ever.

And I really can't understand why people weren't divebombing their La-Z-boys and screaming at the kids to STFU so they could hear every precious word, because just listen to who he nabbed for his big debut: Happy Days star Henry Winkler, The Walking Dead creator Robert Kirkman, and comic Howie Mandel, who gave his fellow Canadian a thoroughly grovelling shout-out:

“I got to say, for those Americans who haven’t seen you before — the best interview, the most in-depth interview, the most comfortable I’ve ever felt doing an interview, is with you,” said Mandel. (Ah that's nice. Did the three of you in the audience hear that? Best interview ever!)

Jesus Christ, Strombo. Don't you get it? This is America you're playing to! Get you some Amanda Bynes in those red chairs! Get you some Miley Cyrus! Some Chris Brown! Heck, even Reese Witherspoon is edgier than Henry Winkler, plus she might show her butt crack. I hear she's into that these days. 

I know I sound angry, but that's cuz I actually love Strombo and I wanted America to love him too. Instead, he painfully cemented Canada's reputation for being nice in the most boring way possible. Goddamit, America, you want sensational? *rips bodice open* I'LL SHOW YOU SENSATIONAL!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Maybe it's cuz his name is so hard to spell. Strombolo ... Stroblopolo ... Marcopolo...
MY NOTE: Says the dumb-arse who couldn't spell Jian Ghomeshi if his front-row seat at the Gay Pride parade depended on it.