Saturday, 14 May 2016

THE CLOSEST YOU CAN GET TO GOD WITHOUT DYING

THAT'S ME, ON THE LEFT, HEADING FOR THE EDGE
while my protector, Pig-Face, runs in the opposite direction. That little bitch is lucky I didn't die or who would have fed her her organic pro-biotic dinner?

I don't know who paid off God and miraculously got us some nice weather this weekend, but whoever you are, thank you. Of course I was completely blotto for most of it, but by Sunday I was starting to come to again and by afternoon I could feel my legs so I decided to go for a hike.

As I have mentioned on one or two occasions, Brampton is a festering suburban pustule so I had to drive OUT of it to get to anywhere worth hiking, but fortunately, Belfountain is mere minutes away. And Belfountain? Belfountain is God's country. Lush forests, craggy bluffs, stunning hiking trails, it's absolutely breathtaking. Plus a shitload of rich people live there so one's odds of bagging a millionaire boyfriend whilst clambering over mouldy rocks are fantastic. Alas I met no one but some Jesus freak who wanted me to go and have ice cream with him (am I missing something? is "ice cream" code for some kind of sexual shenanigans?), but I did find the most amazing trail. 

Tucked just off Caledon Mountain Road, it's a little slice of the Bruce Trail that I would describe as death-defying. Literally. You can walk right to the edge of a sheer, 200-metre plunge to certain death, with nothing but a cable to protect you. If you slip, you're a goner. 

So naturally I walked right to the edge. Because that is an excellent life choice for someone with my luck and natural athletic abilities. Fortunately, I had the pig dog with me. As you can see from the picture above, she couldn't get away from that edge fast enough, because even a dog with a pig's brain has more sense than I do. 
Anyway, obviously I survived (or I didn't but the pig dog has learned to type), so it all ended well. Which is a miracle, considering I actually did this (below), right before I wet myself and threw up. I believe the technical term for this manoeuvre is "Wait! Shit! I Just Remembered I Can't Fly!"