Tuesday, 2 July 2013


Not that I want to get a reputation for verbally sodomizing Brampton (even though it deserves it) over and over and over again, but I will say that the Canada Day festivities in this pock-marked city are a special breed of shat-tastic. Allow me to break it down for you in a way that pretty much guarantees Mayor Susan Fennell's henchmen are going to ride me out of here on a rail. Which I am actually looking forward to.
THE ENTERTAINMENT: See that lineup of Porta-Potties up there? That was the headline entertainment! I kid. I kid. It was Hedley, a white pop punk band. Which did a fine job of performing but let's face it, is a weird choice of bands for a city in which young white people are the minority. I swear 90 per cent of that crowd didn't know what the hell they were gamely swaying to. At least the Porta-Potties were familiar. That smell! Why, nothing says Brampton like the aroma of stewing, brewing, community dung holes. 

THE CROWD: Everybody in this town is suspicious. I mean look at the look on these young dude's faces. The one on the far left muttered, "Why the hell is that guy taking our picture? Is he high?" Whereupon I popped my head out from behind the fence and said, "He's taking a picture of me. You're just the props. Happy Canada Day!" 

THE CROWD #2: OK, I'll give you this: the kids in this city are goddam adorable. 

THE HOST: Ah yes. The one and only, the inimitable, the inexplicably long-running: Mayor Susan Fennell, who by the way is the highest-paid mayor in Canada because ... just, because. Holy queen of disasters. If she had got drunk on Jell-O shooters and dropped her trousers to the crowd it would have been less embarrassing. Because what she did was bring out Anthony Bennett (in red circle), Brampton's biggest good-news story of the decade, the first Canadian to be picked number one overall in the NBA draft, and then introduced him as ... an NHL player. ("Hello, Satan? That plague of serpents thing we talked about? Now would be good. She's onstage now. Yes, RIGHT NOW.")

THE SPONSOR: Brought to you by the United States of Pig-Face. She's at once repugnant and ill-trained and not too bright and yet oddly popular and I've suddenly realized I should have called her Susan. 

THE FIREWORKS: Couldn't tell you. I'm sure they were great but we had to leave early because we were freezing. Because it's July. In Canada.