THE ENTERTAINMENT: See that lineup of Porta-Potties up there? That was the headline entertainment! I kid. I kid. It was Hedley, a white pop punk band. Which did a fine job of performing but let's face it, is a weird choice of bands for a city in which young white people are the minority. I swear 90 per cent of that crowd didn't know what the hell they were gamely swaying to. At least the Porta-Potties were familiar. That smell! Why, nothing says Brampton like the aroma of stewing, brewing, community dung holes.
THE CROWD: Everybody in this town is suspicious. I mean look at the look on these young dude's faces. The one on the far left muttered, "Why the hell is that guy taking our picture? Is he high?" Whereupon I popped my head out from behind the fence and said, "He's taking a picture of me. You're just the props. Happy Canada Day!"
THE CROWD #2: OK, I'll give you this: the kids in this city are goddam adorable.
THE SPONSOR: Brought to you by the United States of Pig-Face. She's at once repugnant and ill-trained and not too bright and yet oddly popular and I've suddenly realized I should have called her Susan.
THE FIREWORKS: Couldn't tell you. I'm sure they were great but we had to leave early because we were freezing. Because it's July. In Canada.