Friday, 21 March 2014


BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN BRAMPTON (I can't believe I actually just said those words.)

*Regurgitated from the 2013 Whorrifiles in honour of Susan Fennell's relentless unsuitability as our mayor

I was walking home from the bus station tonight and happened across this attractive scene. And the first thing I thought was, "Holy crap! Someone is in big, big trouble." Because as regular readers of this font of cutting-edge journalism already know, this is Brampton we're talking about here, and Brampton is pug-butt-licking ugly. 

Killer savours his handiwork 
in a Brampton park

Clearly, someone has failed to uphold Mayor Susan Fennell's strict orders to keep Brampton exploding at the seams in as grotesque a fashion as possible, to stamp out loveliness wherever it might rear its ugly head, and to just generally make sure no one understands, ever, why the hell she is the highest-paid mayor in Canada. 

So I'm going to soak in the soothing beauty of this little oasis until one of Fennell's winged monkeys comes along and dumps donkey vomit on it and then builds a 5,000-house suburb there overnight. That happens around here. A lot.

EDITOR'S NOTE: *sigh* Why won't you give this city a chance? Why won't you let Brampton love you? Just look at this idyllic scene at left...
MY NOTE: Dead bodies? My God, it's worse than I thought!
EDITOR'S NOTE: They're doing yoga, you cretin.
MY NOTE: Over there; somebody farted!
EDITOR'S NOTE: Nobody farted.
MY NOTE: A pickpocket! I'm sure I saw one!
EDITOR'S NOTE: I give up.

SUSAN FENNELL'S NOTE: I really think it's time we did something about this broad. Monkeys! The donkey vomit. Quickly!